Thursday, July 13, 2006

Change can be good

So in the past year or maybe 2, time flies so fast nowadays I can’t even keep up, I have gone through a personality change. Nothing terribly drastic but enough that I’ve really begun to notice it recently. I’ve started looking back on where I was a few years ago and am shocked at really how far I’ve come. Several years ago I was pretty much a doormat. I was desperate for love and so I didn’t really think much about who I dated. Those experiences really taught me a lot and have really brought me to be who I am now. I used to be a people pleaser, to a fault. It was not uncommon for my phone to ring constantly with people needing help with drama. I was everyone’s counselor, everyone’s get out free card. Everyone knew they could count on me to help, to listen, to sympathize, to coddle. Rarely did I give true, honest, blunt advice. I was too focused on making them feel better and happy rather than actually helping them. But when I got stomped on, chewed up and spit out I toughened up. I started saying no, I started saying what I really thought, and I started realizing that my true friends could handle it. They wanted the truth and they appreciated it MUCH more than the fake sympathetic crap I had fed them previously. Those who didn’t want to hear the truth stopped talking to me. And I realized that my life really wasn’t empty without them. Instead I made new friends and those new friends didn’t know “Door Mat Jan” and so I was able to continue to be myself. Who I am now is not really a “new” person, but rather the person I’ve always been locked inside the doormat. Locked inside the girl who needed friends and boyfriends to make her feel better and more confident. I was the girl who wanted to be needed by people, liked by people, and able to fit in with everyone. I am not that girl anymore. Now, if someone doesn’t like me or want to hang out with me, I am not offended. In fact, I’d really rather know that up front so I don’t waste my time. What’s funny is that now I can see my old self in other people. I can easily spot the people pleasers, the ones who aren’t honest with me for fear of hurting MY feelings. The beauty of it is that because I can see it, I can confront it with them and let them know its okay. I was never confrontational before and there are still times when I am not now, but I’m more than I used to be. Just ask any of my friends! Some of them are still shocked sometimes when I challenge or confront someone. I must say I enjoy the reactions sometimes. But you know, sometimes things just need to be said. And if no one else will do it, I will. Remember the hockey game? Oh yeah that was fun. Well not really but amusing at least. But it was really a gut reaction, I didn’t even think about it. So that’s me. 


At 11:54 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, did I know doormat Jan?


At 1:29 PM , Blogger Reagan said...

ck, i think we knew her....but now we know the new one better


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