Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Inspired to write...

I watched He's Just Not That Into You so I was inspired to share my own story... here is what I have so far. More to come

I am 31 (and counting), single never been married, and still hoping. No matter what crazy relationship drama I have been through, no matter the heartache or frustration, I have not given up hope. I will not. God has a plan for me and I have known since I was too young to even make the choice that I would be a wife and mother someday. Its pretty much all I have ever wanted. And yet, I don’t believe that it has been my goal to find a husband because if I had been determined enough I’m sure I would have found one in college just like almost everyone else. I went to a small Baptist University and countless numbers of people I knew met and married through HPU. So had I really been driven by that single goal I think I would have succeeded. But I loved college and I don’t think I wasted a single day of it! I have so many hilarious, wonderful memories! I wonder sometimes what my life would be like had I been a little more settled, a little more demure, a little more reserved. . . . Yes I would have missed out on the crazy weekend adventures, driving to other towns hours away to dance the night away with any guy who asked, the nights staying up late playing games or watching movies. I would have missed some of the road trips, and possibly my two trips to Europe. Would I be happier if I were settled and married with 3 or 4 kids? If I had given up on all those adventures to fall in love with a secure godly man and live the life I dreamed? Because that just makes me wonder how much it really is my dream. I mean sure I want to be married. I want a partner who is there when I get home, who will travel with me, dance with me, laugh with me and cry with me. Someone who will balance me out when I get a little crazy and who will let me fly when I have a great idea. I just don’t want all that at the expense of living life. Taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy every minute. I don’t want to hold myself back waiting for “HIM” to appear and whisk me off into the sunset. I don’t want to have my life on hold, waiting for it to start with the words “I do.”
One of my favorite books and now my favorite movie, is Pride and Prejudice. I am very much a “Lizzie” in this story - waiting for my Mr. Darcy to capture my attention and help transform my strong independent self into a loving, faithful wife. I cringe at Charlotte marrying Mr. Collins for the “security” and because she is a 27 year old burden on her parents. Like Lizzie, I would have turned down his proposal for the exact same reasons, even if he could have ‘saved’ me and my family through an advantageous marriage. I know that love and ‘warm fuzzy feelings’ are not all that marriage entails, but it must start with at least some of that! Without attraction and electricity, there isn’t much to build on and you certainly need a foundation of sorts to build a life together.
So, my dating life has been pretty interesting. I sometimes wish I would have kept a detailed journal of some of the hilarious first dates I have been on, the relationships that I have had as an adult. I would love to go back and read exactly what happened and how I felt about it at the time. It might give me more insight to who I am and where I am today. Instead I have my memories, which are probably fuzzy and the details are lost, but I would like to share them. (names have been changed, obviously ~ I don’t want to start any rumors)
Dan the Dependable was a guy that I wished I was attracted to. He and I started out as friends and then we attempted a romantic dating relationship. I don’t remember exactly how long it lasted but I know it wasn’t long - a few months or less. He was, and still is, a true gentleman and took care of me like no other guy had. I knew he would make an excellent husband and father because he has a heart of gold and was thoughtful and sincere. But there just wasn’t that “thing” that makes you excited to be with the person you like. You know, when you are in love and the object of your affection calls you out of the blue, it just sends butterflies to your stomach and a huge smile to your face. You can’t help it. People who are in love simply radiate joy and everyone can see it. Even though Dan made me happy and I truly enjoyed spending time with him, there was no need to be around him, no insatiable desire to hear his voice or see his face. And no matter how much I tried to get it, I couldn’t. I believe he had it for me to a degree and I felt terribly guilty at not returning the feeling. We are friends to this day and I went to his wedding a few years ago. The woman he married could not be more deserving and she is well aware at how blessed she is by him. He treats her exactly as I knew he would and I am so happy to know that she appreciates him and loves him in return. I am jealous of them because I know I could have had that - if only it was meant to be. Clearly they are meant to be together which is why I didn’t feel that way about him. But it makes me sad sometimes because I wanted it to be me.
In High School I dated Rob the Rodeo guy. When I met him at a dance hall, I had an immediate crush because he was just so good looking and outgoing - everyone there knew him and loved him. He was always dancing with some girl or another because he was a really good dancer and very charming. I can’t remember how our relationship started but I felt so lucky that he ‘chose’ me. I still remember the way I felt when I danced with him - it was like we were one person moving around the floor. He was so easy to blend with and I felt as though I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing because my feet simply moved in perfect step with his, our bodies pressed closely together in synchrony. He was a bull rider and rode everywhere from big arena’s to tiny hole in the wall buck-out’s. I had a love hate relationship with the rodeo because I was terrified he would get hurt but it was also a rush to watch him ride because there is just something attractive about a cowboy! I don’t even know why we broke up but we were together for quite a while - several months, which for me was a serious relationship at that age! I have had a lot of dance partners over the years, but that is what sticks out in my mind about Rob. Funny thing is, a few years later I saw him at another bar and he was bloated and drunk and not at all the cute rodeo star he had once been. I guess I dodged that bullet!
The summer after my senior year of High School, I went to a two-week summit camp in Colorado where I met Andy who became my Aggie Corps boy. We didn’t officially meet each other until the very end of the camp and had a tearful good bye at the airport. You know, lamenting the time we had not spent together that we should have and all that. But the romance lasted over the summer long distance and continued through our freshman year at college. I had seen him from afar at the camp and thought he was dreamy but never thought I could get his attention. But once I had it, I was in and we were both smitten. He lived in another town several hours away but we spent the summer visiting each other and I got to know his family pretty well. He was a gentlemen and definitely one of the best guys I have dated in my life to this point. We never argued, and we always had a good time. My memories with him include things like pulling over the truck, opening the windows and dancing in the street to the music on the radio. Sleeping underneath the stars on my parents back deck on a big pallet of blankets and pillows. His cologne on a t-shirt that I borrowed to sleep in - that I actually still have to this day! The scent of Obsession always takes me back. . . Going to see Garth Brooks in concert right before he stopped performing and dancing in the aisle. Standing with the Corps of Cadets at the A&M/ Tech game and getting soaked because it rained the entire time! The Aggie bonfire and midnight yell - kissing him at midnight in his uniform surrounded by tons of other couples doing the same thing. What broke us up was an ex-girlfriend who was also at A&M and just couldn’t let him go. She was convenient since she was there on campus and was always available, always around when he needed a date to an event or a partner for dancing class. He cheated on me with her and that confession was one of the most emotional moments in my dating life. He was very remorseful but also willing to admit what he had done was wrong and I was right to be upset. I forgave him (because I had met the vixen and knew what she was capable of) but the relationship ended. We stayed friends until he got married to a wonderful girl he met once he was finally able to shake the other ex. I didn’t make it to the wedding and I am sort of sad about that. He is one whom I sincerely believe is probably happily married and a wonderful husband and father. I could have married him and been happy. But he just wasn’t the right one for me. I hope he was the right one for her.


At 12:34 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

Hey Banana! How in the world are you! I miss you! I don't get on myspace much any more - I'm mostly on facebook and twitter...I was just thinking about you and thought I would drop you a line.
Hope all is well. Love you!

At 11:10 AM , Blogger Muddy Bottom Boys said...

It is very cool that it is a year, almost to the day, that you are happily married to "your man" from when you wrote this entry! I love it! I guess you don't blog on this anymore, huh? Love ya! Beth


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